This blog is a collection of my observations of the world. It’s my way of processing my experiences into something that is hopefully comprehensible so I can learn and grow from them. It’s my way of sharing my experiences as a person of color, as a woman, as an Asian American in a world that doesn’t particularly like me in hopes that others can relate and see themselves within me.
I write a lot about race because my life and my thoughts are usually consumed by it. Please do not tell me I am obsessed with race. To be obsessed with something is to be preoccupied with it to a troubling extent. I do not believe that is possible for a topic like race. In fact, it is my opinion that anyone who lives in America and does not think about race is avoiding it to a troubling extent.
I write less about what it is like to be a woman because I still fear I do not have enough authority or experiences to do so. I realize this is ridiculous. I am working on it.
I write about being a student at a predominantly white institution (PWI) because I am a student at a PWI and I have a lot of things to say about it. We talk a lot about the lack of diversity in the classroom and in the workplace, but the reality of it is so stark and so startling it’s hard not to be jaded. If you’re someone who sees this, please know that you are not alone and that there are people who want to work to change this as much as you do. I don’t know how much good this knowledge will do, but I find commiseration usually helps. If you’re someone who does not realize this, please pay closer attention.
I try to write about my experiences as an Asian American. I try to write about what coming to terms with my Asian American identity means, the frustration and exclusion I have felt in Asian American circles, the curious sense of imposter syndrome I feel in my own skin. I write about this because I think it is important and because I have yet to see enough Asian American stories in the world. (Question: Will there ever be enough Asian American stories? Will there ever be enough stories, period? Answer: I do not know, but we need to keep sharing them until we decide.) I write about these things, but I do not know if I succeed.
I try to be honest in my writing. I try to capture how I really feel while justifying it to people who may disagree. I will try not to parse my words to make them softer or more palatable. I will try to stand by what I believe. If you believe I am wrong, please tell me, but please do not be hostile. I am young. I will make mistakes. This is a fact of life.
As an Asian American, I am always trying to balance the line between East and West, always trying to fit myself and my world view into a culture that I fear I do not belong in. The problem with this, I’ve found, is that there is no alternative culture for me. I often I feel I’m a little of the East, a little of the West, but not enough to be fully accepted into either. My existence, the existence of many people of color in this nation, is perilous at best. Speaking with friends, I’ve learned this feeling is shared and overwhelming. I’ve decided to write about my experiences in hopes that others can connect to it and we can help each other make sense of it. So, come on, I guess. Let’s try to figure this out.